I've been having strong feelings lately that I should be opening up about our infertility. I keep brushing these feelings aside-feeling as though I already have opened up to so many people. I felt like I should share our journey and my feelings on this blog. I thought that was silly because I don't really think anyone reads this blog. But I figured that since I believe these feelings came from God I also believe that if there is someone who needs to hear them He will find a way....I just need to do my part and thus here I am. FYI I am not an excellent writer- I am by no means eloquent or fancy so this is my story from my mouth and heart and it is random and disorganized but it is mine.
Its hard to really know where to start. Here I am a mother of three. Its easy for people to walk by us or see a picture of us and think wow three kids they must be fertile. Ha if only! If I'm gonna be fertile I'm gonna flaunt it with 12 kids!! But seriously for some reason this is a huge fear of mine because I remember feeling this way. I remember making those assumptions. Maybe you are making those assumptions about people right now. So I am going to be real and honest so you know-You are not alone.
I have a family history of infertility. My maternal grandmother- see here- was unable to get pregnant. In fact back in the 50's she was on clomid (or something like it). She was able to have one child and that child was my mother (but that didn't stop her from having children-she adopted 26). Then my Mom was able to get pregnant very easily. The trouble she had was miscarriages. She had at least 3 known miscarriages and some very very late. This is also considered infertility. So when I got married I knew that I had some pretty high chances that I might have trouble. I decided we would only use birth control until my free sample ran out! Ha! Three months. I figured I didn't want to ruin any slim chances that I had by taking medications. I also knew that once I was off birth control we would be trying.
The first few months I thought it wouldn't be a big deal if we didn't get pregnant. I was wrong. It was a big deal. It reaffirmed my concerns that I might actually suffer from infertility. We tried and tried and nothing happened. I let the year pass. I know that most doctors say that you should try for a year before you can consider yourself as "struggling with infertility." At the same time I felt as though I was wasting precious moments. I knew my struggles were real. I always knew I would have trouble. Its like God had prepared me for what I was going to experience.
There are so many things that go through your mind when you are struggling with infertility. And every month you struggle more and more.
I remember thinking:
Why is it so hard for me to do on purpose what most people do by accident.
So many teenagers are getting pregnant and saying oops and here I am begging for my baby to come.
There is something that I think a lot of people don't understand about infertility. At least in my case I knew there were babies coming to my family. In fact I knew without a doubt that a little boy would be the first to come. I saw him. I feel like God gave me a glimpse of him to help me get through it. This was always a huge blessing to hold on to. Sometimes it might have made me less patient but it always made me more hopeful. So once I started opening up about infertility there was part of me that felt like people were thinking that I wanted their children. That I was jealous of their kids. That wasn't the case at all, I felt sad that I wasn't yet able to have my babies in my arms but that was it, I wanted my babies, I knew they were there, I knew they were coming- I didn't know how and I didn't know when but I knew I was already their mother. I wished that people understand that.
Sometimes infertility is unfair to those that surround you- its like any other sorrow. Sometimes you want to talk about it and hope for it and other times you don't want to even mention it or think about it. As someone who is supporting a person who is infertile it can be hard to know what to say or when to say it. I found that when people weren't walking on eggshells and were just themselves or when they were taking the lead from me that is when we were all most happy. To those who are struggling I am sorry. I have been there- I don't know your story no two stories are the same but my purpose in starting this journey of opening up is to tell you that you are not alone. To those who are supporting those with infertility-be patient- it is you who needs to be patient and just love them. Don't shut them out, don't walk on eggshells, be yourself but be cautious and it will be one of the best experiences of your life (I know it sounds weird but it will be). You will learn things you couldn't learn any other way.
To those like me who have struggled, are struggling or will struggle hold on to what you know. If you know there are babies that are coming that are yours-hold on to that hope-they will be beyond what you can imagine. How do you wait? I guess the bottom line is you have no other choice but to wait- it doesn't make it easier but there are things that can help, there are things that can hurt and there are things that will be harder than anything you can imagine but when you hold that baby in your arms it will have all been worth it.
Until next time. Stay hopeful.