Sunday, April 3, 2016

10 things you should NEVER say to someone who is infertile

I've decided to open up about our struggles with infertility.  I have a bunch of posts coming telling our story but I figured this is a good place to start. Maybe you have a friend or family member who is infertile.  How can you help? What can you do? Well I've heard most of these things first hand- many times and let me just say if you want to be a safe haven for someone who is infertile these are the wrong things to say.  These will only hurt and offend those whose feelings are so very tender.

So here are 8 things you should NEVER say to someone who is infertile

1. Maybe You aren't meant to have children- Why would anyone ever say this- I have never heard this one personally thank goodness-but it happens- the whole reason infertility is so hard is because a woman knows she was destined to be a mother.  How could you ever feel it is ok to tell her that she wasn't meant to do what she was always destined to do.
2. Stop thinking about it and it will happen/relax- this is not true, I don't care how many stories you hear you don't know that those people were not thinking about it.  If you are infertile you never stop thinking about it- no matter how old you are you are always thinking about it.  Its like trying to tell someone to relax when they are face to face with a hungry shark- its not going anywhere- relaxing will make no difference whatsoever.
3. Just adopt- you can't make that decision- acting like adoption is the easy way or the answer is not your choice- in fact its just as hard on the heart. Don't say it!
4. Be glad you don't have kids- no matter how frustrated you are with your kids (hey its a fact of life) never tell someone who is infertile that they should be glad they don't have kids.  They would trade their infertile days for tantrums any day of the week.
5.  You can have my kids- This is just rude- it makes light of a very serious and painful situation, it also ignores the fact that there are children meant for that mother that aren't yours or anyone else's they are hers.  In fact it will probably make the person you care about wonder why you can't appreciate what is right under your nose.
6. Stop taking pregnancy tests- I don't know what to say here besides if you haven't lived it you won't understand- I am going to try and write a whole post about this one at some point. Saying this is like telling someone to lose their hope or desert their faith.
7. Are you still trying?- if its been a while and I'm not pregnant I think its safe to say- "What do you think?" Um yes!
8. Be patient- I AM!  Some days are easier than others- I know I need to be patient but how can you tell someone to be patient when years have passed and sadness remains.
9. Eat healthier- or anything like it- don't act like you know the reason- because you don't and eating healthier or standing on your head isn't going to get someone pregnant.
10. Just be happy with your life- being sad about infertility doesn't mean you aren't happy with other aspects of your life- it is very consuming though.  Making assumptions about how someone feels has never worked for anyone.  The thing with infertility is once you start trying to have a baby there is no going back- you can't stop thinking about it.

So hold your tongue and just listen.  They have opened up to you because you care- show them they were right to do so.

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