Infertility Thoughts

Once you've gone down the "lets have a baby" road you can't really get off of it.  Its not like applying to a college and not getting it.  Its not always that cut and dry.  For some it is and I can imagine that abruptness is so unbelievably heartbreaking.  For me it was the ups and downs, the hopeful moments that crashed and following that cycle over and over.  There are so many roads that lead to having a family once it seems that one road has closed, you just head down another one.  For the door to close it can take a long time and for some people it never happens.  That is what makes infertility so difficult. There is often so much hope but there is also so much heartache. Its heartache after hope over and over again.  To those who are struggling with infertility and don't have any children yet.  I am so sorry.  I have been there.  It can be dark, and lonely and utterly devastating.  There is nothing in the world like it- wanting something so pure and perfect- something you were born to have and yet it isn't happening.  Its happening to those around you family, friends, strangers and those who don't want it to happen.  It is harder than anything you have ever imagined.  All I can do is say I am sorry and pray for you and let you know that when it is over and you get that baby it will all be worth it. You will say to yourself what I said after my first baby, I would wait 100 more years if it meant I could have you.  You will realize that although it seems like forever it was a small moment and a small price to pay for one of the most priceless gifts you could ever be given.

Today I just have some random thoughts.  I am currently struggling with secondary infertility (infertility after a baby- weather you were infertile the first or second time or not). It is really hard but for me I recognize that there is one significant thing that makes it a lot easier- my children.  Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be upset about infertility anymore like I am being unfair to those who are still struggling.  Yet at the same time I ask myself why shouldn't I be allowed to want more just as other people who have never struggled with infertility can perfectly plan their families.  That is what makes secondary infertility difficult for me.  I feel like I am being selfish and selfless all at the same time. I feel awful for the people who are still waiting for that first baby.  It brings back those still fresh, lonely, awful, deep feelings.  I still feel those at times when I see someone with a new baby.  I think will I ever have that again.  We take our children one at a time- we can't plan- we can't know.  We hope and we wonder but we love and swoon over those babies more than we otherwise would because we realize this could be it.  We may never have those stages again and its okay and difficult all the time.  Its ok because we feel like we have won the lottery to have not only one but three children.  At the same time it hurts to know that if we decide to go down the baby road again we may never get there.  I am nervous about going down that road- do I not go down that road again because it could end in sorrow but it could also end in so much joy.  Its the unknown for the outcome that scares me because the known of both the joy and the pain is so fresh in my mind.  Its worth it for that baby but will there be baby?
Hold on to your hope and your faith and keep praying.  Sometimes that is all you can do.  

Are you going to have heart surgery or are you pregnant?

Ok so heres the story, the one I have needed to document for quite sometime, sorry its a little long but there are pictures! The end of April 2008 I went on Clomid. I was so excited to finally be trying something different, something that has worked for so many other people. The first month I was on 50 mg. I didn't have any negative effects (I took it in the pm just to make sure I didn't go loco while at work or anything crazy like that) but I also didn't ovulate. The doctor boosted me up to 100mg and I started to feel cramping 1/2 way through the month, I saw a glimmer of hope. During this time (May) I found out that I had a hole in my heart which was most likely causing the neurological symptoms I was having accompanied by the migraine headaches which have ailed me for the last 12 -13 years! I was so excited that they found something that was causing them as they have so often studied my brain with endless MRI's and had nothing to show for it. Well I finished out my clomid cycle and had planned my heart surgery for June.


 The lucky day came, boy was I nervous! I had prayed and felt that having this surgery was the right decision (always fearing that migraines would get in the way of my ability to care for my children and give them my undivided attention). When I got to the hospital I was brought to a room, hooked up to a monitor and told that I would have a 2-3 hour wait. I was still really nervous and to say the least I wanted to get out!!! I was really afraid I was going to die or something like that. The nurse came in and asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test. I told her that I hadn't but that there was no possible way I was pregnant, My period had started right on time and was currently continuing, I also added that we had been trying for almost a year and a half so that just added to the fact that it was impossible. She nodded and said ok but by law we have to take one anyway. I went through the drill, gotta love those cups!! About a half our later the nurse came into my room and said, um.....you're pregnant! I looked at her and didn't really think anything of it and said, No you have the wrong person, its not possible. She said, No its you and I tested it three times. I replied in a matter of fact way "I don't believe you, bring on the blood test." She agreed and went ahead with the process. This testing method takes a little longer and for the next 45 minutes I was trying not to get my hopes up. My husband and I laughed a lot. I was like, CAN YOU IMAGINE if we really were. I remember walking into the bathroom, still nervous that if I went through with this surgery that something horrible was going to happen. I remember praying, "Please let me be pregnant, I don't want to do this right now, I can't do this right now. " I felt peaceful, I didn't know if it was peace that all would go well with the surgery or peace that I would be pregnant, but it was Peace. The next image I have will never be erased from my memory all of a sudden I heard some noise outside my room, in came 8-10 nurses all smiling and saying, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE PREGNANT! They brought me a bag with my positive test results attached to it. Inside was a little brown bear, my main nurse said, "This is the first gift for the baby!" Needless to say, I didn't get my surgery that day. I took a picture with my nurse and the bear! My husband and I took this picture outside the hospital

and then went to Zupas to celebrate. It was an amazing day! Within the next two days after more blood tests I found out that I was having a miscarriage. It was really hard, there were a lot, A LOT, A LOT of tears! Although I don't know exactly why this happened there were a few reasons why I think it happened, why I am grateful it happened and a few things that I learned because this happened.

1. I could get Pregnant, after 14 months I felt a glimmer of hope, although this month (February) I would have this baby or babies in my arms I still felt so blessed to know I could get pregnant!
2. My Father In Heaven Cares for me and knows me personally, He answers my prayers and reminds me constantly that His Ways are best.
3. I wouldn't have known I was pregnant if I had not gone to the hospital, I wouldn't have known it was possible. (I was on my period, you don't check when thats goin on)
4. The nurses in the cardio cath lab are amazing! I felt so loved, special and cared for that day. The cute bear, the fact that they all came to my room! It was the sweetest thing ever!
5. If I never get pregnant again, I will always feel so blessed to know what it felt like, even if it was just for one day, some people have never and will never have that opportunity, although it was early and there was so much I didn't experience I experienced the excitement of it and it was overwhelming.
6. I got to go to Babies R- Us Pregnant, I had never done that before! Even though I was pretty sure that I was having a miscarriage, I had to go before I knew for sure, so I could really enjoy it!
7. I didn't have to get my surgery that day, I saw my family a few days later and was so glad I could see them before I had to go through it again!
8. Clomid worked once and it can work again!

After doing research I have suspicions that I was pregnant with twins or another type of multiples as my levels were extremely high for as far along as I was, who knows, but that is exciting too!

Sometimes I like to relive that glorious day when I was pregnant, We lived it up! It will someday happen again, I have faith.

Update: To this day this bear has always been on a shelf or dresser.  I have never put it away.  It has always been a reminder of the hope it provided at the beginning of our journey.  Each time I have found out I was pregnant it has been in "the baby's room."  All of my kids have heard the story and each of them know how special this bear is.  These amazing nurses had no idea that they were bringing hope and joy into our lives and they may never know how special that made me feel.  Their kindness and thoughtfulness I am positive spared me many extra tears and reminded me that that bear miscarriage after miscarriage would someday be hugged and snuggled by one of my sweet babies.  It is well loved in our house! I am so grateful for those angels.