Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Once you've gone down the "lets have a baby" road you can't really get off of it. Its not like applying to a college and not getting it. Its not always that cut and dry. For some it is and I can imagine that abruptness is so unbelievably heartbreaking. For me it was the ups and downs, the hopeful moments that crashed and following that cycle over and over. There are so many roads that lead to having a family once it seems that one road has closed, you just head down another one. For the door to close it can take a long time and for some people it never happens. That is what makes infertility so difficult. There is often so much hope but there is also so much heartache. Its heartache after hope over and over again. To those who are struggling with infertility and don't have any children yet. I am so sorry. I have been there. It can be dark, and lonely and utterly devastating. There is nothing in the world like it- wanting something so pure and perfect- something you were born to have and yet it isn't happening. Its happening to those around you family, friends, strangers and those who don't want it to happen. It is harder than anything you have ever imagined. All I can do is say I am sorry and pray for you and let you know that when it is over and you get that baby it will all be worth it. You will say to yourself what I said after my first baby, I would wait 100 more years if it meant I could have you. You will realize that although it seems like forever it was a small moment and a small price to pay for one of the most priceless gifts you could ever be given.
Today I just have some random thoughts. I am currently struggling with secondary infertility (infertility after a baby- weather you were infertile the first or second time or not). It is really hard but for me I recognize that there is one significant thing that makes it a lot easier- my children. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be upset about infertility anymore like I am being unfair to those who are still struggling. Yet at the same time I ask myself why shouldn't I be allowed to want more just as other people who have never struggled with infertility can perfectly plan their families. That is what makes secondary infertility difficult for me. I feel like I am being selfish and selfless all at the same time. I feel awful for the people who are still waiting for that first baby. It brings back those still fresh, lonely, awful, deep feelings. I still feel those at times when I see someone with a new baby. I think will I ever have that again. We take our children one at a time- we can't plan- we can't know. We hope and we wonder but we love and swoon over those babies more than we otherwise would because we realize this could be it. We may never have those stages again and its okay and difficult all the time. Its ok because we feel like we have won the lottery to have not only one but three children. At the same time it hurts to know that if we decide to go down the baby road again we may never get there. I am nervous about going down that road- do I not go down that road again because it could end in sorrow but it could also end in so much joy. Its the unknown for the outcome that scares me because the known of both the joy and the pain is so fresh in my mind. Its worth it for that baby but will there be baby?
Hold on to your hope and your faith and keep praying. Sometimes that is all you can do.