Infertility Thoughts

Once you've gone down the "lets have a baby" road you can't really get off of it.  Its not like applying to a college and not getting it.  Its not always that cut and dry.  For some it is and I can imagine that abruptness is so unbelievably heartbreaking.  For me it was the ups and downs, the hopeful moments that crashed and following that cycle over and over.  There are so many roads that lead to having a family once it seems that one road has closed, you just head down another one.  For the door to close it can take a long time and for some people it never happens.  That is what makes infertility so difficult. There is often so much hope but there is also so much heartache. Its heartache after hope over and over again.  To those who are struggling with infertility and don't have any children yet.  I am so sorry.  I have been there.  It can be dark, and lonely and utterly devastating.  There is nothing in the world like it- wanting something so pure and perfect- something you were born to have and yet it isn't happening.  Its happening to those around you family, friends, strangers and those who don't want it to happen.  It is harder than anything you have ever imagined.  All I can do is say I am sorry and pray for you and let you know that when it is over and you get that baby it will all be worth it. You will say to yourself what I said after my first baby, I would wait 100 more years if it meant I could have you.  You will realize that although it seems like forever it was a small moment and a small price to pay for one of the most priceless gifts you could ever be given.

Today I just have some random thoughts.  I am currently struggling with secondary infertility (infertility after a baby- weather you were infertile the first or second time or not). It is really hard but for me I recognize that there is one significant thing that makes it a lot easier- my children.  Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be upset about infertility anymore like I am being unfair to those who are still struggling.  Yet at the same time I ask myself why shouldn't I be allowed to want more just as other people who have never struggled with infertility can perfectly plan their families.  That is what makes secondary infertility difficult for me.  I feel like I am being selfish and selfless all at the same time. I feel awful for the people who are still waiting for that first baby.  It brings back those still fresh, lonely, awful, deep feelings.  I still feel those at times when I see someone with a new baby.  I think will I ever have that again.  We take our children one at a time- we can't plan- we can't know.  We hope and we wonder but we love and swoon over those babies more than we otherwise would because we realize this could be it.  We may never have those stages again and its okay and difficult all the time.  Its ok because we feel like we have won the lottery to have not only one but three children.  At the same time it hurts to know that if we decide to go down the baby road again we may never get there.  I am nervous about going down that road- do I not go down that road again because it could end in sorrow but it could also end in so much joy.  Its the unknown for the outcome that scares me because the known of both the joy and the pain is so fresh in my mind.  Its worth it for that baby but will there be baby?
Hold on to your hope and your faith and keep praying.  Sometimes that is all you can do.  

Are you going to have heart surgery or are you pregnant?

Ok so heres the story, the one I have needed to document for quite sometime, sorry its a little long but there are pictures! The end of April 2008 I went on Clomid. I was so excited to finally be trying something different, something that has worked for so many other people. The first month I was on 50 mg. I didn't have any negative effects (I took it in the pm just to make sure I didn't go loco while at work or anything crazy like that) but I also didn't ovulate. The doctor boosted me up to 100mg and I started to feel cramping 1/2 way through the month, I saw a glimmer of hope. During this time (May) I found out that I had a hole in my heart which was most likely causing the neurological symptoms I was having accompanied by the migraine headaches which have ailed me for the last 12 -13 years! I was so excited that they found something that was causing them as they have so often studied my brain with endless MRI's and had nothing to show for it. Well I finished out my clomid cycle and had planned my heart surgery for June.


 The lucky day came, boy was I nervous! I had prayed and felt that having this surgery was the right decision (always fearing that migraines would get in the way of my ability to care for my children and give them my undivided attention). When I got to the hospital I was brought to a room, hooked up to a monitor and told that I would have a 2-3 hour wait. I was still really nervous and to say the least I wanted to get out!!! I was really afraid I was going to die or something like that. The nurse came in and asked me if I had taken a pregnancy test. I told her that I hadn't but that there was no possible way I was pregnant, My period had started right on time and was currently continuing, I also added that we had been trying for almost a year and a half so that just added to the fact that it was impossible. She nodded and said ok but by law we have to take one anyway. I went through the drill, gotta love those cups!! About a half our later the nurse came into my room and said, um.....you're pregnant! I looked at her and didn't really think anything of it and said, No you have the wrong person, its not possible. She said, No its you and I tested it three times. I replied in a matter of fact way "I don't believe you, bring on the blood test." She agreed and went ahead with the process. This testing method takes a little longer and for the next 45 minutes I was trying not to get my hopes up. My husband and I laughed a lot. I was like, CAN YOU IMAGINE if we really were. I remember walking into the bathroom, still nervous that if I went through with this surgery that something horrible was going to happen. I remember praying, "Please let me be pregnant, I don't want to do this right now, I can't do this right now. " I felt peaceful, I didn't know if it was peace that all would go well with the surgery or peace that I would be pregnant, but it was Peace. The next image I have will never be erased from my memory all of a sudden I heard some noise outside my room, in came 8-10 nurses all smiling and saying, CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE PREGNANT! They brought me a bag with my positive test results attached to it. Inside was a little brown bear, my main nurse said, "This is the first gift for the baby!" Needless to say, I didn't get my surgery that day. I took a picture with my nurse and the bear! My husband and I took this picture outside the hospital

and then went to Zupas to celebrate. It was an amazing day! Within the next two days after more blood tests I found out that I was having a miscarriage. It was really hard, there were a lot, A LOT, A LOT of tears! Although I don't know exactly why this happened there were a few reasons why I think it happened, why I am grateful it happened and a few things that I learned because this happened.

1. I could get Pregnant, after 14 months I felt a glimmer of hope, although this month (February) I would have this baby or babies in my arms I still felt so blessed to know I could get pregnant!
2. My Father In Heaven Cares for me and knows me personally, He answers my prayers and reminds me constantly that His Ways are best.
3. I wouldn't have known I was pregnant if I had not gone to the hospital, I wouldn't have known it was possible. (I was on my period, you don't check when thats goin on)
4. The nurses in the cardio cath lab are amazing! I felt so loved, special and cared for that day. The cute bear, the fact that they all came to my room! It was the sweetest thing ever!
5. If I never get pregnant again, I will always feel so blessed to know what it felt like, even if it was just for one day, some people have never and will never have that opportunity, although it was early and there was so much I didn't experience I experienced the excitement of it and it was overwhelming.
6. I got to go to Babies R- Us Pregnant, I had never done that before! Even though I was pretty sure that I was having a miscarriage, I had to go before I knew for sure, so I could really enjoy it!
7. I didn't have to get my surgery that day, I saw my family a few days later and was so glad I could see them before I had to go through it again!
8. Clomid worked once and it can work again!

After doing research I have suspicions that I was pregnant with twins or another type of multiples as my levels were extremely high for as far along as I was, who knows, but that is exciting too!

Sometimes I like to relive that glorious day when I was pregnant, We lived it up! It will someday happen again, I have faith.

Update: To this day this bear has always been on a shelf or dresser.  I have never put it away.  It has always been a reminder of the hope it provided at the beginning of our journey.  Each time I have found out I was pregnant it has been in "the baby's room."  All of my kids have heard the story and each of them know how special this bear is.  These amazing nurses had no idea that they were bringing hope and joy into our lives and they may never know how special that made me feel.  Their kindness and thoughtfulness I am positive spared me many extra tears and reminded me that that bear miscarriage after miscarriage would someday be hugged and snuggled by one of my sweet babies.  It is well loved in our house! I am so grateful for those angels.

5 Things to pass the time while you are trying to conceive

Time passes like a snail stuck in peanut butter when you are trying to conceive.  If only it was just slow- but its also crazy, painful, emotional, and hormonal.  So what are some things you can do to pass the time or enjoy a moment or two here and there?

1. Go on a trip- maybe the two of you haven't got away since your honeymoon- NOW is the perfect time!!  Go do something you've always wanted to do.  Splurge a little- or A LOT! My husband and I drove to southern California and enjoyed the beach and disneyland and just being together!  It is still one of my fondest memories because it was so off the cuff and randomly wonderful- plus we had a really special moment there which I will write about later!!
2. Go on tons of dates- long, late, crazy dates! Its hard to keep the love alive when the most romantic thing you do together-seems so scheduled and forced- go on a date and rekindle those emotions that brought you together in the first place.  Not many things are better on a marriage than dating!
3. Help someone else- weather you've opened up about infertility to someone or not finding someone to help can get your mind off of things for a moment.  Maybe someone else is struggling and you can help bear their burden weather it be a friend with a disability or someone who lost a loved one taking your mind off yourself and putting it on someone else can be a calming experience.
4. Ask a friend with children what is hard for them to do with kids and DO IT! Those friends can really add some perspective.  Make sure its a good friend-not a friend who likes to tell you what to do or to appreciate what you have- just a good, honest, helpful friend.
5.  Spoil Yourself-Plan activities or rewards for each day of the month or each week- as they slowly pass.  ie. Day 1 rent a movie, Day 2 go on a hike, Day 3 get ice cream, Day 4 go out to eat.  Reward yourself for your hard work and patience.

What has helped you pass the time while you are trying to conceive?  How have you rewarded yourself?

Opening Up About Infertility

I've been having strong feelings lately that I should be opening up about our infertility.  I keep brushing these feelings aside-feeling as though I already have opened up to so many people.  I felt like I should share our journey and my feelings on this blog. I thought that was silly because I don't really think anyone reads this blog.  But I figured that since I believe these feelings came from God I also believe that if there is someone who needs to hear them He will find a way....I just need to do my part and thus here I am. FYI I am not an excellent writer- I am by no means eloquent or fancy so this is my story from my mouth and heart and it is random and disorganized but it is mine.

Its hard to really know where to start.  Here I am a mother of three.  Its easy for people to walk by us or see a picture of us and think wow three kids they must be fertile. Ha if only!  If I'm gonna be fertile I'm gonna flaunt it with 12 kids!!  But seriously for some reason this is a huge fear of mine because I remember feeling this way.  I remember making those assumptions.  Maybe you are making those assumptions about people right now.  So I am going to be real and honest so you know-You are not alone.
I have a family history of infertility.  My maternal grandmother- see here- was unable to get pregnant.  In fact back in the 50's she was on clomid (or something like it).  She was able to have one child and that child was my mother (but that didn't stop her from having children-she adopted 26).  Then my Mom was able to get pregnant very easily.  The trouble she had was miscarriages.  She had at least 3 known miscarriages and some very very late.  This is also considered infertility.  So when I got married I knew that I had some pretty high chances that I might have trouble.  I decided we would only use birth control until my free sample ran out!  Ha!  Three months.  I figured I didn't want to ruin any slim chances that I had by taking medications.  I also knew that once I was off birth control we would be trying.
The first few months I thought it wouldn't be a big deal if we didn't get pregnant.  I was wrong.  It was a big deal.  It reaffirmed my concerns that I might actually suffer from infertility.  We tried and tried and nothing happened.  I let the year pass.  I know that most doctors say that you should try for a year before you can consider yourself as "struggling with infertility." At the same time I felt as though I was wasting precious moments.  I knew my struggles were real.  I always knew I would have trouble.  Its like God had prepared me for what I was going to experience.
There are so many things that go through your mind when you are struggling with infertility.  And every month you struggle more and more.
I remember thinking:
Why is it so hard for me to do on purpose what most people do by accident.
So many teenagers are getting pregnant and saying oops and here I am begging for my baby to come.
There is something that I think a lot of people don't understand about infertility.  At least in my case I knew there were babies coming to my family.  In fact I knew without a doubt that a little boy would be the first to come.  I saw him.  I feel like God gave me a glimpse of him to help me get through it.  This was always a huge blessing to hold on to.  Sometimes it might have made me less patient but it always made me more hopeful. So once I started opening up about infertility there was part of me that felt like people were thinking that I wanted their children.  That I was jealous of their kids.  That wasn't the case at all, I felt sad that I wasn't yet able to have my babies in my arms but that was it, I wanted my babies, I knew they were there, I knew they were coming- I didn't know how and I didn't know when but I knew I was already their mother.  I wished that people understand that.
Sometimes infertility is unfair to those that surround you- its like any other sorrow.  Sometimes you want to talk about it and hope for it and other times you don't want to even mention it or think about it.  As someone who is supporting a person who is infertile it can be hard to know what to say or when to say it.  I found that when people weren't walking on eggshells and were just themselves or when they were taking the lead from me that is when we were all most happy.  To those who are struggling I am sorry.  I have been there- I don't know your story no two stories are the same but my purpose in starting this journey of opening up is to tell you that you are not alone.  To those who are supporting those with infertility-be patient- it is you who needs to be patient and just love them.  Don't shut them out, don't walk on eggshells, be yourself but be cautious and it will be one of the best experiences of your life (I know it sounds weird but it will be). You will learn things you couldn't learn any other way.
To those like me who have struggled, are struggling or will struggle hold on to what you know.  If you know there are babies that are coming that are yours-hold on to that hope-they will be beyond what you can imagine. How do you wait?  I guess the bottom line is you have no other choice but to wait- it doesn't make it easier but there are things that can help, there are things that can hurt and there are things that will be harder than anything you can imagine but when you hold that baby in your arms it will have all been worth it.
Until next time.  Stay hopeful.